Final Days in Africa

This blog got a little delayed in posting.  It was written about a week before I departed: 

Today I finished my last dive qualifying as an Open Water Scuba Diver.  The water was crystal clear- finally.  I saw a humpback whale, star fish, crab, giant fish, and even a giant jelly fish which really only looked like an oversized booger with legs.  No.  I’m serious.  It’s gross. 

Though the water was a warmer temperature (18 degrees Celsius) I was FREEZING! …It wasn’t until I made it back on board that I realized my wet suit was unzipped and open in the back the entire time.  Now I completely understand why that school of fish followed me around the reef… buncha’ little pervs.

Moving on. Because frankly fish are only so entertaining when they’re not animated, handy-capped and searching the ocean for a parent.   Halloween was celebrated here in Africa this year and it was by far the best yet.  I through a party for the internationals and the local friends I’ve made here in my own flat and it went just swell.  Due to my contract with Marymount University, I will not go into any further detail about the epic events that took place but I’m sure you can use your imagination to fill in the blanks.

On a horrifyingly more gruesome note, I woke up a week ago to a flesh-eating spider bite.  YES. This shit really does happen.  Apparently the “Sac Spider” is a native of South Africa and when bitten, a cyto-toxin is released decaying the flesh around the bite. Where did this little SOB bite me, you ask? That’s another one you’ll have to leave to your imagination.

But the days are dwindling, I fear, like the IQ of our future J-Bieber fans and I will be leaving Tuesday to return home. On the down side, I will leave the most beautiful country I have ever seen, some of the most interesting and exciting people, and of course- the cheerios.  On the BRIGHT side, however, I can fall asleep without fearing a damn spider will get to third base with me in my sleep. 

Blog 7- Birthday in Africa

I celebrated my 19^th birthday here last week and it was by far the greatest.  I went camping with a few close friends on the Sea View Lion Park about 20km from my flat.  Typically, it’s about a 30-minute drive… but like a classic man, Thomas- the German friend driving- refused to get directions until a half hour after the park already closed (guys really are the same in every country).

Regardless, they let us in and we set up our tent right next to the fences where they keep the lions. The sounds of their roars kept us up most of the night but it was unbelievable.  The next morning we went into one of the pens and played with the younger lions… not too feisty in the am.  It’s amazing how much one little creature can sleep- about 19 hours every damn day.

That night, I went out with another friend to Oktoberfest.  It. Was. Life-changing! Imagine an enormous tent filled with hundreds and hundreds of college students drinking beer, dancing on tables, and making out under them.  There were a few adults scattered around, but they kept up.  The German population in South Africa was much larger than I thought- about 25 to 30%  of the people there were actually German so we tended to stay close and party with them.    

The next morning I went scuba diving with a few other friends.  We bailed into the water with a visibility of about 3 meters.  Now, that basically means that you can only see 3 meters from where you are which makes staying with the group rather difficult.  So as I began to descended, I looked down and around me seeing NOTHING. The water was murky and gross but it was pretty exciting.  Eventually I made it down to the bottom and swam the floor with the group checking out the reef, fish, and even a small leopard shark.  And right in our area were even a few whales, but with a visibility so faint you couldn’t even see them

Then.  All of a sudden- it swam by. A beautiful, spectacular, remarkable, little fishy.  It was shiny, and confident, and swam with such swag, how could I not follow it?  So I did, completely forgetting about the rest of the group.  It didn’t even swim away when I followed it- just swam right there next to me.  People, this is what dreams are MADE out of. 

I was far too excited before I realized, after a few moments, it DITCHED me.  The little bastard took off.  So I looked around and realized- well, there WAS a sea floor there a minute ago, along with a BIG group of divers.  And the next thing I knew I was at the surface.  Forgetting about the “safety stop” (Stopping every few meters for 90 seconds to let the nitrogen equalize in the blood stream) I dove back down… after shooting straight up (This is what gives idiots Decompression Sickness AKA The Bends an often fatal disease from Diving.)  But I lived to tell the tale, once again. . Later when we surfaced as a group we floated around with a little penguin… still didn’t flap its wings for me.

The next dive we did was around a reef filled with all sorts of critters.  I stuck by the instructor this time determined not to be… misplaced. So everything’s fine and dandy when I face him and he fiercely points behind me, so I turn around to see this starfish.  I turned around and gave him two thumbs up- it was so amazing!   He nodded his head in excitement.  Once we surfaced he tapped me on the shoulder and said, “So, how cool was that giant sting ray behind you?  I can’t believe it got that close!”

Yeah. I suddenly gave a new definition to the term “wet suit”. 

Spring Break... Take 2

My second spring break of the year was spent in Cape Town about 8 or 9 hours east of Port Elizabeth. 

We left on Sunday where the first stop was the Bloukrans Bridge AKA the HIGHEST bungee bridge in the world… 216 meters (708 feet). Now before coming to Africa I had absolutely NO desire to bungee jump.  Eat exotic bird? Sure. Drink legally on a nightly basis? Why not.  Go to class? MAYBE. But bungee jump- Hell no. 

Well.  Needless to say, I did it. AND I did it in the pouring rain.  I believe the words “raw death” were used to describe my face stepping up to the ledge.  And I believe the words “FUCKFUCKFUCK” were used all the way down…. That’s one video the grandkids won’t ever watch. But, I must say I would do it again and again.  It was the most exciting adrenaline rush of unquenchable fear I have ever gotten… and I’ve eaten at the cafeteria.

That night we slept at a township which I’ve mentioned before as a poor all black area.  It wasn’t too bad actually.  I got to help cook, get schooled in dance moves by a J. Bieber obsessed nine year old (yes, that shit did make it to Africa), and got a unique cultural experience out of the country.  She fed us chicken, potatoes, pap (which is known as miely-miel), carrots, and cabbage. And of course… sitting in the middle of the table was a large cold bottle of COKE. Not diet coke of course, but coke.

The next day our tour guide, Mike, took us up to Cape Point where we hiked up part of a mountain to a lighthouse along the coastline. 

Next stop… Penguins. All I wanted was for one of the little rodents to flap its wings for me.  I begged and pleaded in what I thought was excellent Penguin, but did they comply? No. Dear penguins, when you go extinct… you had it coming.

The next day I wandered around the streets of Cape Town with some friends.  And it looks a lot like Georgetown minus the overpriced cupcakes… and diet coke. We passed shop after shop after shop when suddenly my heart stopped.

There. Maybe 30 yards away was an enormous group of rioting protestors outside a courthouse.  Now I know that joining in on such activity is in poor taste seeing as they are illegal… but come on.  I’m a Journalism Major.  This is why I get UP in the morning.  So I glanced at my disapproving friends who denied my valid request and we continued walking away. Lesson of the day:  Make sure the crazy kid who wants to run off and do things isn’t in the very back of the group… she’s gonna do them.  So I took off and was already half way there before they started screaming.  I txted them letting them know I’d meet up later. This was TOO good to pass up.

I took out my camera and crawled under the police tape getting right in the middle.  Police were everywhere getting ready to shoot rubber bullets so I asked my questions quick.  The protest was in regards to a trial that had been postponed every year for 4 years for the rape and murder of a lesbian.  Apparently, “butch” lesbians (as she described) were being targeted all around South Africa.  Rapes and murders by men took count in the hundreds even thousands and no one was doing a thing to stop it.

I didn’t leave until the battery on my camera died, but it was unbelievable.

The next day I woke up at 4am to go cage diving with Great White Sharks. It was a two hour drive but completely worth it.  We were put into 7ml wet suits, lowered into a cage, and into the water we went watching as they thrashed around in front of us.  After an hour or so I got out.  The whole “breakfast before wavy sea boating” wasn’t my finest idea.  So I leaned over the boat to vomit-WORST idea.  Apparently the sharks can see shadows in the water so before I knew it a 12 foot great white jumped out of the water and tried to catch my face. The entire thing was above water- and it almost fell in the boat. 

And that was the day Katie nearly lost her face.

The following morning we drove to an ostrich farm where we learned the history and got to pet the enormous critters.  They really look like fluffy Velocoraptors. Then, I and two others got to ride them around the farm.  That was scarier then the shark.  I kid you not.  Unless you have ridden an Ostrich like a pro- you and I are not equals.

Then came the Adventure Cave tour where we climbed up and through tiny crevices in the cave to make our way to the end.  The humidity and heat was unbelievable.  However the far more entertaining aspect was our tour guide.  “Gay” was far too simple a term to describe the fellow and he had quite a thing for our tour guide.  (Not that I can blame him).  Every time Mike crawled up a cave, he made him pause in weird positions… highlighting certain asspects. I did not complain.

That was the final night of our trip where we stayed in a backpacker.  Skeptical though I was, that was by far my favorite night since I have landed on this continent. I stayed up all night with a friend doing shots with the owner and the bartender kept feeding us free drinks. I haven’t laughed that hard since America started pretending it “had talent.”

P.S. Rebecca- I cannot access my MU email since the portal changed. How do I fix it?

BLOG 5: TIA (This Is Africa)

           It’s called the Human Race not the Human Stroll and frankly Africa, you’re losing.  The tortoise and the hair? Yeah, that was a fairy tale people and if life worked like that then Bambi wouldn’t be on the “Entrée” list at most five star restaurants. 

            That’s the biggest cultural shock here in South Africa.  The concept of timeliness.  No matter where I seem to go people walk and drive and work as slow as humanly possible.  You will NEVER find a team of construction workers where at least half are actually working.  And schedules?  Forget about it.  Half the time teachers are late for their own classes. 

            And you know what? I LOVE it.  I can not stress to you how nice it is to be able to relax and take my time instead of life in DC where people have places to go, people to meet, and things to do- all the time.

            Now “TIA” is a term we international students like to use every time something goes, for lack of a better word, wrong.  It basically means- Listen punk, you’re in Africa, DEAL WITH IT.  So when the person you’re meeting for coffee show up an hour and a half late, the bank is closed 2 hours and forty minutes early, or your shower violently explodes in your face- you sigh and say “TIA” and everything is okay.    

            Another thing South Africans enjoy is the car horn.  You WILL get honked at 743 times a week for NO reason other than the driver is having a good ol’ time.  It’s a weird thing to get used to but, nevertheless, you do. Sometimes. I wave back. Sometimes.

            As for classes…

            School is school is school.  Monday morning you sit down with 23 other hung-over students wishing things like the anatomy of Leonardo deCaprio were part of the curriculum. One difference however is the division of semesters into terms so each year there are 4 terms like several high schools in the states.  Studying is crucial because nearly every class depends on the grade of 2 tests- no homework or projects- just written exams.    

            Now, on a significantly more important note.

            Cheerios.

            Yes.  Cheerios.  Not only have they become an undeniable staple to my diet, I plan on leaving every last one of my belongings behind so that I can buy boxes and boxes and boxes of South African cheerios and dump them into my suitcase.  They are simply magnificent and made with the real stuff, none of this fake flavoring crap like back in the states. I am eating the little drops of condensed heaven as we speak and plan to serve these at my wedding on silver platters.  I spent a good long day considering hiding in South Africa as an illegal immigrant just to live off these things… it’s in the pre-decision stage.

            Anyway, I started a 2-week open water scuba diving course with a few friends.  Thus far we’ve completed the course and are just waiting on the actual ocean dives.  Apparently, Great Whites are known to be spotted around the area we plan to dive in… I’ll get back to you on that one.  And if I don’t… assume I found one.

            Now this past weekend I went on a frontier trip and lived with two South African farm families.  It was possibly the greatest weekend ever.  We went hiking up a mountain, swimming under a waterfall, shot rifles, and killed a goat… by accident. However the most memorable aspect of this trip was the Covert Black Opps Tortoise Rescue Mission of 2011 executed by yours truly.  Molly… (the other MU student here in South Africa) if you’re reading this… I’m not sorry!

            The story goes a little… like… this… Two large trucks filled with 26 students 4-wheeled it up this mountain to have lunch by a lake when suddenly the driver spotted a rather large Franklin-like creature.  The poor little guy was just minding his own business when he was hoisted into the vehicle and labeled “Dinner.”  It was only fair to name him so we went with “Marius’ Wife” in honor of our landlord’s wife we all so despise. Yes.  We were going to eat Marius’ Wife for dinner. It was brilliant.

            Finally we make it up the mountain and set up lunch.  Everyone is sitting around the lake eating as Katie begins plotting.  Now don’t get me wrong I love animals as much as the next girl, but I like eating them too. Rescuing poor little Franklin was not out of the goodness of my heart as much as it was the mere thrill of it.  Could such a rescue be done successfully with 26 college students and 4 grown men sitting just meters from the cars? Well I was sure as hell going to find out!

            So I casually snuck behind everyone and leisurely made my way down to the truck.  And there he was.  Just looking at me. It had to be done.  So I slowly climbed into the truck and grabbed hold of this enormous reptile ready to release him.  I took off and hid him in the brush hoping he would not be found.  I blended back into the group hoping no one noticed my absence and they had not.  Eventually, lunch was finished and everyone made their way back to the vehicle to find Marius’ Wife was gone.

            Sure, a search party was initiated, but did they find him? No. Snotty remarks were made about the vicious immature culprit, words of praise, apathy, and even stolen credit, but it will never be known who truly freed Marius’ Wife.    

Lions, Tigers… Gun Point Oh My!

It's okay South Africa is diet-coke free.  My heart now belongs to the badass campus monkeys that go around mugging girls LA KING style.

Yes.  Come lunchtime, the campus is swarming with the little critters that target women in particular for they are most likely to give up their food… and run screaming.  If it looks like food, smells like food, or cost at least $1,000 they’ll snatch it.  Monkeys have been caught smashing cell phones and labtops on the concrete once they realize it’s not edible.  They also like to breaking into homes. Believe me. You’d rather be robbed.

This past Sunday, I visited Addo- a game reserve that had everything from elephants to rhinos. Funny thing about animals.  The minute you go to take their picture, they like to turn around and urinate.  No matter WHAT they’re doing, the minute you drive up- up go the tails.  Our park ranger had a unique sense of humor and chased an ostrich right into a rhino couple. 

That made my life.

I’m serious.  An ostrich really is not much more than a big stupid chicken and to see this big stupid chicken run like that- indescribable.

Am I going to attempt to describe it anyhow? Yes.

Picture a big circular pillow with an exaggerated stem holding a football with goofy-looking eyes galloping one leg at a time moving from side to side.  It. Was. Awesome. You could really make a show PURELY on chasing these guys into things.  Any things.  Rhinos, glass windows, Paris Hilton. I’d watch that show. If Kate Goslin gets a show than my ostriches should get a show.

Upon night fall came the lions.  That’s right, I came within 10 feet of a lion.  A BLOODY lion licking the BLOOD off its BLOODY mane. That is NOT the Lion King I remembered. Regardless, they were stunning.  The cubs were lounging around as the older lions slept.  Unfortunately, cuddling with the 500-pound beast was “frowned upon” so I did not in fact get the snuggle session I THOUGHT I signed up for but it still managed to be the greatest day of my life.

Moving on to more exciting news, I went for a run on the boardwalk like so many others only to be held at gunpoint. Until this point, my scariest moment had been handing in my 11^th grade Spanish final, which still might be tied, but with close competition.  I was blasting some hard core tunes when a man walked up beside me and grabbed my arm.  I looked toward him and noticed he was hunched over with a sweatshirt covering his right arm. My first thought was: He’s hurt and needs help. False.

I took out my headphones and looked toward him and he says: “Give me money.  Give me money now or I kill you.”

Katie looks at the 5 foot 6 man and thinks:  Right back atcha Frodo. 

He then lifts his jacket and points a gun at my stomach and says: “Give me money! Give me money or I shoot you right here, right now!”

You could hear the frustration in his voice but it was not at all in his facial expressions which I could only amount to his fear of alerting on coming runners entranced by the Bieber Fever.

Now, I have been blessed with the highest amount of unnatural luck on the planet.  Forget the Wheaties- Lucky Charms is where it’s at! In any case, this was the ONE day I had not taken any money or cards with me- just my camera and case, iPod, and keys.

I tried explaining to him that I had no money but he didn’t believe me.  He pointed his gun at my camera case and made me show him the insides.  Fortunately none of that interested him.  However, I did.

He then lunged toward me and tried to grab hold of arm and said: “Yeah- you come with me, right now.”

Frodo say WHAAAAT.

I jumped back, screamed “NO!” and ran in the other direction as fast as I could. I didn’t bother looking back, if I went down- then at least I got went down fighting.  I alerted the first person I saw who simply shrugged it off, called him a loon, and told me to carry on.  Many a drink was had that night.

Please do not mistake my sarcasm for apathy.  After that I have taken several more measures toward self-safety that I wouldn’t have otherwise.  It taught me a valuable lesson: don’t be naïve. And… sometimes short people like to carry guns.  

Grand Arrival

I was starting to feel like the star of a PG-13 deodorant commercial:

My Secret: I haven’t bathed in 84 hours.  Plants and small children wilt in my presence. 

Yes. The journey over to the motherland was an ordeal at best. The original plan was Boston to DC to Johannesburg to Port Elizabeth a total trip of 2 days.  Well. After delays it turned into Boston to DC (slept there for almost 2 days) to Ghana to Johannesburg to Port Elizabeth.

Yes.  That’s right.  Ghana.  Where I was offered a 2-year-old child in exchange for my return ticket to the US.

I mean, at this point all you can really do is laugh. That was of course until I arrived in Port Elizabeth looking like a diseased hobo and found my luggage… was no where to be found. 

But again, it could always be so much worse… I could always be back home. With alllll those brothers.

Luckily for me, my transportation to the University was on time and waiting for me.  The man had a sign and everything.  People in every direction came off the plane wondering, ‘Hmm, who is this Katie Holzman and why is she so important that there is a nice man waiting here with a sign for her?’  I think to myself… this is how celebrities feel.  I’d make an awesome celebrity.

So I greet him and he takes me to Annie’s Cove, which is a section of off-campus housing primarily for study-abroad students.  It was amazing!  Malibu Barbie was totally gipped.  I highly doubt her dream house came equipped with a badass electric fence, brick-deck swimming pool, and a cat that looks like a strange cross between an orange raccoon and God’s sick sense of humor.

There were palm trees along every street and the beach was only a 30 minute walk away.  If, after a 30 minute walk you usual sweat profusely, pant, curse your poorly matched limbs, and clutch the pavement for dear life. If not, then maybe a 45 minute walk.

To my great excitement, Port Elizabeth is known as the “Friendly City” and redheads are in short supply.  People wave.  I wave back.  I really do make an awesome celebrity.

After a few days, the study-abroad students went and visited the Townships. I speak in third person. Again, AWESOME celebrity. Anyway, a township is a very rural area of land populated by Black Xhosa speakers (one of the 3 main languages spoken in South Africa most recognized for the ‘clicking’ sounds).

During apartheid, a lot of the black population was forced out of their homes and re-located to densely inhabited areas of land where they were to live in shacks under poor living conditions.  Several of the families of those forced into townships still reside in the same shacks for poverty leaves their options bare.  This is where the ‘Third World’ status really stood out.

Even so, they were some of the happiest people.  The families were very intertwined; looking out for each other in ways I’ve never seen. 

Nights at Annie’s Cove are another story completely.  Infamous in Port Elizabeth, I’ve come to find out, for wild parties.  Those Germans don’t kid around- drinking is a hardcore sport only to be done right.

On a final note, holding possibly the greatest importance of this blog, Diet Coke is not a ‘thing’ here. They have “Coke Light” which I like to refer to as “Coke Bites.”  I know, I know, HERE it’s much more healthier than American soda but I don’t drink the stuff for health benefits!  I just want my pesticidal artificial cancer-in-a-can, is that so much to ask for?

Over and Out.

Blog 1.5

Hey guys!  I’ve now been in South Africa for about 2 weeks, but before I continue I’m going to give you a little background information on myself.

My name is Katie Holzman and I am a student at Marymount University in Arlington, VA right outside DC.   I’m currently a Communications major but I find that I like to change my whole life plan more often then mattress covers.

It all started at age 3 when I was told, “No, Katie.  You can not grow up to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex.”  There I was at the nice ripe age of 3 crushed to learn that I had wasted a WHOLE life of aspirations on an uncatchable dream.

Since then I’ve decided on various fields including:

             -A field agent in the CIA because come on, who hasn’t seen “Kim Possible”

            -A geneticist studying the history of viral birth to predict future outbreaks

            -A monkey psychologist.  (Life as the only girl in a large family… it makes things like   

              “Monkeys” and “Petting Zoo” sound like home.)

            -A princess.  Damn it Will… you got the wrong Kate.

            -And finally, a safari ranger working on the side for National Geographic.

Though I go to school in VA, I’m actually from Massachusetts.  You know, that little place where people like to “Pahk they cah in Havahd yahd.”  Don’t get me wrong, MA is a great place, but if you say stuff like that- you’re just asking to be shot. 

When it comes to free time… I like to dabble.  I’m an author, my book, “7 Ways To Kill Yourself With Shampoo” just came out this past Spring and has made its way to many a “Banned-Book” list.   I love to run and swim- movement of any kind really but only if there is intolerably loud music in the background.  Otherwise, not possible.

Among my greatest influences in life include Chuck Palahniuk, Paul Rusesbagina, and Captain Crunch.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned. Much more to come!